December 31st, 2009
Another year is coming to an end. For many this year has been especially hard. So will 2010 find renewal or more suffering? How much darkness must we pass through before the light at the end of the tunnel is finally revealed? Or can you see that light and so keep walking, hoping that the light will grow bigger and brighter, finally revealing the escape so longed for?
For me, I feel like I'm sitting at a cross road. I feel I am so close to the end of one journey that something as light and gentle as a breeze will topple everything. The point of the knife is narrow and sharp. But I am so close, to lose hope now would ruin me. To lose faith in that there is something else waiting would crush me.
Let me tell you a thought I had the other day. I am the type that when asked, "Where do you see yourself in five or ten years?" I would always stare blankly. To me the "future" was no more than a year away, and to look to far ahead was to see only darkness. I am in awe of those who actually have a plan, have a vision, have a goal that they can see and work towards. Because that is not me. I have no goal, no vision, no desire, no ambition. I know I shall never make a lasting mark upon this life. I shall not say or do anything that will survive past the memories of my friends. I'm no one. My future is dark and has been for a long while.
The sense of urgency begins to take on a whole new meaning when one views it in the light of time running out, doesn't it?
But then, I realized that maybe what I had always viewed as a physical end may be more of a spiritual end, or at least an end to one life and the possible beginning of a new one?
Could it be that the sense of urgency was not to hurry up and race to the finish line, but get my affairs in order to cross the starting line? Maybe the sense of disconnect, the overall lack of caring, and the cutting off and isolation from what was is merely the shedding of a skin that has grown far to small and dried out. Scorpio, snake, eagle, phoenix, rebirth and renewal. Maybe I have just held on for far to long.
So this year I have a few resolutions. The most important is to satisfy this beast and begin wandering as much as possible. To that end, I've already begun working out and once it warms up, I'll hit the trails and start walking.
I will hike at least a full section of the Tahoe Rim Trail by summer's end.
I will go camping at least once a month.
If this is indeed a rebirth, then I will not fight it but embrace it. I must have faith that once I reach the other side I will emerge stronger and more at peace with myself.
Happy New Year, ladies and gentlemen. To your health, happiness, and prosperity!